Put your kids in the cupboard, it's DAMNED GENTLEMEN!
"Larry Flynt sued for sexual harassment"
-UPI, 07JUN06
Curse of the Narrows by Laura M. MacDonald December06
  In the morning hours of December 6th, 1917, two ships collide in the Narrows of Halifax Harbor in Nova Scotia.  Unfortunately, one of them was the stupid French ship  Mont Blanc, which was stupidly packed with explosives.  Of course, the French crew fled the ship immediately, which allowed it to drift into the pier on shore before it blew up and destroyed most of the town.  A few minutes later, the shoreline was obliterated by a tsunami.  That night, a blizzard buried the whole area.  Then things really started to get shitty.  A good little reminder that 'tragedy' is a relative term.  

"Some 'senior moments' may be Alzheimer's"
-Associated Press, 26JUN06

"Bartenders Top List of On-the-Job Drinkers."
-Columbus Dispatch, 28JUN06
1000 Words and Change Archive
"Commander of Utah DUI Unit Wrecks Cruiser While Drunk."
-UPI, 01JUL06
"Fat People Not More Jolly, Study Says."
-Associated Press, 04JUL06
"Damned Gentlemen suck."
-Mark Twain
Numbers Don't Lie:

The number of times I will be updating this website.  
"Reporter Says Rove Was Source of Plame Leak"
-Chicago Sun-Times, 11JUL06
"Time to do what I do best...ruin it for everybody." -Homer Simpson
"The truth is Colonel, there is no 'divine spark'. There's many a man alive no more of value than a dead dog, believe me. When you've seen 'em hang each other the way I have back in the old country. Equality? What I'm fighting for is the right to prove I'm a better man then most of them. Where have you seen this 'divine spark' in operation, Colonel? Where have you noted this 'magnificent equality'? No two things on earth are equal or have an equal chance. Not a leaf, not a tree. There's many a man worse than me and some better, but I don't think race or country matters a damn. What matters, Colonel, is justice, which is why I'm here. I'll be treated as I deserve, not as my father deserved. I'm Kilrain, and I damn all gentlemen."
-Sgt. "Buster" Kilrain, 20th Maine, Gettysburg, PA, 1863

Numbers Don't Lie Archive
Damned Gentlemen: Founded May 22, 2006, offending ever since.
"Police Quickly Recover Stolen Doughnut Truck"
-Associated Press, 07AUG06
"Middle East Fighting Ramps Up Despite Diplomacy"
-Associated Press, 05AUG06
Added The Daily Tomorrowan (on Navbar) and updated some of the Homepage
"Squirrel Attacks Several Poeple in Florida Park"
-The Orlando Sentinel, 10AUG06
Updated Stupid Evil Bastards and there's a new Ruiner in town.
"Milwaukee Named Drunkest City"*
-The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, 29AUG06
"White House: U.S. is Safer"
-The Orlando Sentinel, 02SEPT06
"Democrats Say U.S. Not Safer"
-Associated Press, 03SEPT06
*My town, Columbus, Ohio, came in third.  Do we get a trophy?

Updated Stupid Evil Bastards and And Another Thing
This stuff is news?!?
This website is approved by:
Good Hosekeeping Magazine
Underwearers Laboratories
Guaranteed 100% safe for midgets
A most excellent And Another Thing was updated
A new Ruiners for ya
Updated This One's on Me
Added a new thing, Learn From the Master (on navbar)
Updated And Another Thing
Updated The Ruiners
Updated Sports is Stupid and News of the Day
An historic announcement in the new Ruiners;
A new 1000WAC.
A Texas Thanksgiving added to Navbar.  Yes, over there on the left. 
This is the way the site looked in December 2006, when I vacuumed up the phone cord attached to my laptop, which in turn yerked said laptop off unsaid desk, whereupon said laptop blasted a two foot deep crater in my floor and killed a small immigrant family.  The hard drive also died a bloodless death.  After nearly two years of mourning, I re-took-up the mantle of KICK ASS WRITER OF KICK ASS THINGS, but not with this crappy ass joke of a web design program, and not at this pointlessly obscure web address.  This site is preserved here purely because I am too lazy to reproduce it properly. I leave that to the myriad historians and scholars who will undoubtedly spend vast chunks of their careers mining my genius for solutions to the problems of their time.  You can find my current website at www.damnedgentlemen.com.  Otherwise, enjoy my old , poorly designed, flaw-ridden, first fumbly steps towards righteous websitery.