I Hate The Cleveland Indians
The stupid Indians have proceeded to suck very badly this year, making defending them a sucky proposition. But of special note is Jhonny Peralta. He is a great shortstop, other than his lackluster play in the field, numerous blown routine plays, and absolute board-stiff plate appearances that can only be described as disaster-like. He has officially inherited the mantle of "Human-Rally-Killer" from Casey Blake. As the Japanese groundskeepers in 'Major League' said, 'Mada hetakuso na' .
My eyes, my beautiful eyes! It BURNS!
Tiger's Horribly Disastrous Unmaking the Cut
Poor Tiger Woods. I feel sorry for him when something as gut-wrenching as his failure to make the cut at the U.S. Open happens. Gut-wrenching, that is, when 345 reporters descend on him with 690 questions about what heinous combination of factors could have contributed to his choking like a man who just took a bite of Dominos Brand Pizza. Poor Tiger then has to act like he gives a shit what some jackass reporter thinks of his game. The story is Tiger is a human being. In between losing his father, having sex with his wife, rolling in giant piles of greenbacks, shilling for Nike, Buick, et al., Hanging at the NBA Finals, having more sex with his wife, and other sundry happenings, he got a little distracted and missed a cut. If you are still thinking about it, you are a tool.
"This press conference is over!"
-Seymour Skinner, Joe Quimby, et al., The Simpsons
"Dammit, baby, when I missed the cut I let down thousands of egregiously understimulated old men. I've got to get back to the Tiger Den and work even harder! But first, a little nookie..."
"Sports could be stupider, but I don't know how. Sports sucks."
-Emperor Hirohito
My First E-Bay Auction Item
This is an actual hot dog wrapper from The Horseshoe in Columbus, Ohio. Yes, the home of the Number One ranked team in the nation, The Ohio State Buckeyes. The Best Damned Team In The Land.
Question: What time is it?
Answer: MICHIGAN SUCKS!!!!!!
Back to the wrapper. It was acquired by yours truly while at an actual Buckeyes game, a beatdown of Bowling Green, some hippy college I think. You heard right! This wrapper was holding a tasty hot dog WHILE THE GAME WAS IN PROGRESS!!! It's true! THE consensus No. 1 team in college football, dammit!
Anyhow, it has been carefully preserved in it's natural state by being pressed in a tin foil 'folder'. This helps it to retain it's bright colors and avoid harmful UV and RV waves. You can see the needle-nose pliers I used to handle the wrapper. I taped tissue paper to the ends for maximum careful handling procedures. In fact, I fired my assistant for taking these photos at night, necessitating the flash being used. Better to have exposed the wrapper briefly to indirect sunlight during the late afternoon. This is also the optimal recommended viewing time and method.
The wrapper was proudly made with pride in the U.S. of America by folks in El Paso, Texas. It is emblazoned not only with the Ohio State logo, but also the classic 'Ball Park Brand' pennant. Bonus. It features a flap at the top, similar to the timeless sandwich/weed baggie, so you can fold over the top and save the hot dog for later. There is at least one large crumb from the hot dog that was in it. Also a free bonus.
Hot dog not included.
Minimum bid- $750.00
Will be shipped flat, in tinfoil protection, between two stiff pieces of cardboard to prevent deformity during transit.
Special tissue-encased pliers available for $15.00 plus S & H.
