• You unequivocally accept Jebus Cripes as our Lord and Savior, and you will never tolerate any suggestion that the 35th translation (over a couple thousand years) of the Holy Buybull (King George version, change 3 volume 18, number 2) is not the definitive word from The Lord.  The upside, fellow citizen, is that you get to ignore the annoying parts, like where Jebus talks about things like compassion, tolerance, leaving judgment to Him, and the numerous times He entreats us to not be material-grubbing assholes.  God will never notice, because He'll be too busy admiring your work to label anyone who is not a Cripestian as Godless and unworthy of His loving care, which is of course unlimited, but can only be spent in small doses on deserving souls such as yourself.  Suck it, you bloody savages!
• You don't just drive an SUV.  You drive a seven-passenger behemoth that you need a midget to boost you into, and has the remains of two Hondas you didn't even know you ran over stuck in the suspension.  Because you may be a 5'4", 112 lb. suburban  mother of one, but you never know when you'll be called upon to rescue the Harlem Globetrotters from the top of Mt. Rushmore, while catching that episode of 'Idol' you e-mailed to your dashboard DVD player.  Remember, if your vehicle can't clear a Bud Light pyramid three cans or two longnecks high, it's a compact.  Cute, but unfortunately, more logical.
• You vote for whoever promises not to let fags get married, even if it dooms you to poverty, strips you of every last shred of freedom and privacy, gives your children a joke of an education, kills your sons and daughters for secretive, unspecific causes, implies that any beliefs outside it's very narrow scope of acceptability are treasonous, and placates you with worthless rhetoric that means and changes absolutely nothing.  In your face, queers! 
• You continue to pay $29.50 for a DVD that contains a movie that is unimaginative, rips off several other movies, has terrible, predictable plot lines, shows every good part in the trailer, employs the stupidest rationales and most unlikely of human motives to fit an awkward story with a stiff cast and cheap production, and costs 12 cents to produce, thereby making three old white guys rich.  After all, the 17th movie filled with tits and shit blowing up is just as good as the 1st, right?  If we stop paying 30 bucks for a twelve cent product, they might actually support work with depth and 'craftsmanship', if you will.  Next thing you know, dope, guns, fucking in the streets.
• You must keep yourself, and your children, heavily medicated, because if you aren't deliriously happy and content at all times, your friends will abandon and scorn you, your family will reject you, and you will start to think about all the screwed up shit happening in the world.  You might even get involved, attempt to create a better world for your kids, and stop consuming every damned thing that casts a shadow, which we both know is the path to sin.  As to your children, even though they exhibit moderate behavior deviation common to thousands of kids, yours will undoubtedly lay waste to a high school if not choking down at least $750.00 worth of medications that balance out to achieve a near total coma.  This in turn will require much less parenting, but many more DVDs.