Put your kids in the cupboard, it's DAMNED GENTLEMEN!
"Time to do what I do best...ruin it for everybody." -Homer Simpson
If you are going to pour super-hot sausage grease from the pan into a container, don't make that container a tiny plastic cup. And don't hold the cup in your hand. And if you stupidly decide to hold the tiny cup, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, FLINCH when the inevitable little globules splash onto your hand. And when you flinch anyway, don't put the hot-grease-coated hot-ass pan on the carpeted floor in an effort to relieve the searing pain caused when your foolish flinch tossed the cupful of grease onto your arm.
Because when you do all that stuff, you better have a lot of long-sleeved shirts, a sharp razorblade to scrape the carpet off the bottom of your pan, a half an hour to scrape said pan, a spare carpet, and a website like this to save others from being obviously stupid. Not that anyone I know would be stupid enough to do any of that.
That being said, don't ever pour grease down your kitchen sink drain. Or any other drain. Ever. Not because you'll fuck up the environment, though that would be true. Because you'll fuck up your plumbing. Then you'll get to pay an industrious guy like myself a second mortgage to save your sorry ass. Poeple who do stupid shit like that will put my kids I don't have through Harvard.
LEARN FROM THE MASTER
I am a master. A master of many, many stupid things. It is my duty to give freely of my formidable knowledge of how to do or not do things. Don't ask questions, just read it, learn it, live it. You heard me.
How Not to Handle Hot Grease
How to Save the Earth, You Lazy Bastard
What are we going to do, my friend? I know it feels like nothing in particular is threatening you, and I know we all have a list of priorities, like paying the rent and feeding the kid. And I know that stupid shit happens every moment, that it flows over you like an avalanche sometimes, that you barely have a moment to get indignant about some thoroughly evil thing, when another tragedy hits you in the face. And another. Et Cetera, Et Cetera.
Turning away is the thing to do, in many cases. But the pain of doing nothing seems like the greatest sin of all.
Well, my friend, I can make it easy for you. I can tell you how to save the world, and still be a lazy bastard like me. All you have to not do is one thing: Never, ever shop at Wal-mart. If you don't shop there, you are a hero, and thank you, I swear.
--That's it, you're savin' the world!--
Just don't fucking shop there. You are a slave and a tool and want to be poor if you do. Jebus, how hard do you have to get slapped before you say 'enough'? It's not because you're stupid, it's because you are afraid. Afraid you won't fit in with your fellow suburbanite friends. Afraid you might need a 37 gallon jar of mayo one day. Afraid you might have to buy your clothes and your motor oil at TWO DIFFERENT PLACES! Help me Jebus!
--Cut that shit out--
Your next door neighbor is afraid too, so go over there and say, 'Let's fucking get out of this mess and stop being afraid. Let's make sure that Wal-Mart isn't the only fucking store in this whole town five years from now.'
Or you can crack another beer and turn on Judge Judy, it's really up to you.
Here's ten things you can do to save the world, none of which is that hard.
THE LAZY HUMAN'S 10 THINGS THAT CAN PRACTICALLY BE DONE IN YOUR SLEEP GUIDE TO SAVING THE WORLD
Don't shop at Walmart, and certainly not at Home Depot. Didn't you hear what I just said?
Get at least 23 miles to the gallon. It's not really that hard. Demand it, and more.
If you move into a house that has solar power, DON'T rip all the solar panels out and render the system inoperable, like Bush Jr. did when he moved into the White House (they were installed by Carter). Huh?
Change one lightbulb in your house to an energy-saving fluorescent. If every American did this alone, we'd save ten thousand tons of coal from being burnt every year. Jebus, people, ONE damn bulb. One...come on. One.
Save water by asserting your God-given right to piss in your own backyard. Your friggin dog gets to piss and crap all over your yard, why not the sonofabitch that pays the bills? If every American did this just four times a year, we'd save over a billion and a half gallons of water. I do it as regularly as possible, and I don't even have a fence. stop being such a shy sissy, you sissy. Whip it out, save the world. Saving water, communing with nature, marking your territory...it's all good.
Stop reading tabloids and crap like 'People'. If the world were tabloid-free, think of all the trees we'd save from this ignominious end? Tree used to build a house=noble end. Tree smashed to pulp, flattened, and yet another picture of Lindsey Lohan's drunk ass plastered on=tragic end.
Stop thinking that you're dick is bigger because your car is. I'm talking to you, suburb mom of two with the eight passenger Suburban.
Turn off that damned light!
Use rechargeable batteries, they will save you money, dammit, and save more heinous crap being buried under the next suburb. You're just flipping off the planet when you buy that damned Duracell.
In the winter, sleep with several hot chicks in your bed. This will allow you to set the thermostat to around 50 degrees, and is equally pleasurable whether you're a guy or a girl. In fact, if you're a girl, you can have a naked pillow fight before bed and set the temperature to 45 degrees. Hooray, Saving the World!
To the Honorable Judge (Name here),
Please consider this public service that I provided out of my sheer desire to be a good human when sentencing me. Your attention is appreciated. Also, has Your Honor lost some weight? Your Honor looks (Lovely/handsome).
"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."