December 14th, 2016


  THE CAROLINAS-The offspring of two of the now-infamous 'Those frat boy idiots from that 'Borat' movie' have filed lawsuits against their parents in Galactic Court today.
  "We's fed up.  Bein the childs of idiots is offended us heavily," said daughter Wendy Sue Anne, 10, from her trailer park home.
  The seven different children were all conceived in the relatively brief period after the frat boys won their fourth attempt to get the producers of the movie 'Borat' to pay them for being stupid, stupid people.  They spent their entire $5 million settlement on hookers and cheap crack, bought from black kids who laughed hysterically at them for paying way too much, in less than a year.
  The boys were last publicly seen tromping clumbsily off the stage on ex-Secretary-General of the United Nations Gerald Springer's old talk show.  They were revealed to be fathers of each other's girlfriend's children, and after stripping off their bib overalls briefly 'wrassled'.  They then screamed, 'Fuck you, you fucking beyotches!  Fucking fuck you!',  and stormed off the set.  Many years later, in the current year of 2016, these cretins' past is once again an annoyance to us all.
  The lawsuit has already hit a significant snag.  It seems the boys are actually washing dishes for a living and don't really make any money.  One of the old frat boys, none of whom actually graduated from anywhere, reportedly owns a 1985 Chevy Camaro.  This particularly crappy car could fetch as much as $17.00 on the auction block, if it's in mint condition.  This is doubtful.
  "We're hopeful that by bringing this lawsuit, we will raise awareness of these boys' utter stupidity," said the children's attorney, Breckenridge Coulter-Carter.  "This will, in turn, spawn interest in their total lack of intelligence.  They should then be able to exploit their ineptitude in all things, and make some money.  Which we will then take."
  Senator Sasha-Cohen's office did not immediately respond for comment.


  NEW YORK-The 37th man convicted of threatening the lives of the Dixie Chicks was hanged in Global Peace Square today.  Rascalville, Texas native Judson Hickson was convicted of being a Complete Lunatic Asshole, which carries a mandatory death-by-public-hanging sentence, in late 2015.  Since we don't drag out death sentences for years like they did in the early 21st century, he swung from a noose in the Square where thirty-six other CLAs have met their well-deserved end.  His last word, 'Fuh...,' was cut short by the sharp crack of his insane neck.
  The CLA law, passed in 2010, made it a crime to threaten the lives of people for stupid reasons.  The Chick's statement, or understatement in this reporter's opinion, that they were embarrassed that convicted felon George W. Bush was from their otherwise-kickass-state-of Texas, was ruled a 'thoroughly stupid' reason.  Since then, the FBI has systematically tracked down each death threat letter writer.  So far, all have been white males with limited education.
  Hickson, a 13-year employee of Wal-Mart's Dinosaur Cloning Division, was arrested in the bed of his pick-up, where he was sleeping. 
  His threatening letter, titled, "Yoo shulda stuck to sangin and havin titties", is on display at the Dixie Chicks Death Threat Letters Museum, in Tennessee somewhere.




  SOUTH DAKOTA-Here in the remote Badlands, a dinosaur cloning plant has come under scrutiny after rumors of employee abuse surfaced.  Dinosaur cloning is, as we all know here in 2016, is what pulled America out of it's brief stint as a third-world nation back in the Bush-era.  The U. S. Attorney General, Sue Yurazov, held a press conference this afternoon to discuss the details.
  "Apparently this plant has been operated by the clones of an immigrant named Jorge.  Unfortunately, they all answer to 'Jorge', so it creates havoc at roll call.  In any case, this has gone undetected for a year or more.  Our agents had a breakthrough when they went to the bars surrounding the plant and found 45 identical men drinking identical cheap beer," said the AG.
  Cloning of humans is illegal, although penis-cloning has been perfectly acceptable for years.  The cloning of dinosaurs was the brilliant idea of D. Eric Bishop back in 2006.  Dinosaurs are now cloned at an astonishing rate, although they are of course immediately pulverized and made into oil.  America leads all other countries in clone/pulverize/consume technology, and can easily support the right of every American to drive a car that gets less than 8 m.p.g.
  "We're constantly striving to get the mileage down as much as we can.

Santorum Declared Official State Secretion
From Fiber-Optic Reports

Harrisburg, PA- The Governor of Pennsylvania held a press conference to announce that Santorum had won the hotly contested race to become the state's Official Secretion.  This came as a shock to the Beer Sweat lobby.
  "There was clearly manipulation and vote-changing going on.  We will take our fight to the Federal Supreme Court if necessary," said Joseph Sykesbach, Chairman of the conservative Beer Sweat Now Committee.  "Beer sweat represents the common man, the steelworker, the oil guys and coal guys.  Beer Sweat is Pennsylvania."
  Most analysts speculated prior to the announcement that Cold Sore Pus would split the vote between Beer Sweat and Santorum.  Business and daily life in general ground to a halt for days before Santorum's eventual victory, as a breathless Pennsylvania waited breathlessly for the decision.  The tragic deaths of thirteen PA citizens by oxygen depravation underscores the importance of this announcement.  For the thousands who exhaled loudly upon the Santorum confirmation, it couldn't have come too soon.
  "We...pretty much...saw...justice  Our great...state deser...served a...secretion that...was totally...Pennsyl...Penn...P...vania.  Beer Sweat...could be from...Detroit, or Chi...Chicago," was the panting reaction from Dom Feminelli, a volunteer for Citizens for Santorum.
  Santorum, the secretion resulting from the totally normal and widespread practice of anal sex, is a delicacy in some countries, valued for its penis-lengthening properties.  Sometimes rubbed on topically, sometimes ingested, it is consumed by rubes around the world who can no longer get rhino testicles or panda wang, due to the extinction of those species.  The term was coined by current U.S. Secretary of Gayness Dan Savage, who wanted to honor his life-long hero Rick Santorum, Pennsylvania's most famous Senator and favorite for canonization.  Savage felt that the immortality granted to people who have things named after them, like Steve Kleenex and Lauren Microsoft, was an appropriate reward for the man who had done so much for the Savage family.
  At the press conference, Governor Bettis had kind words for Santorum's namesake.  "Santorum is the third-most recognized word in the world, right behind Coca-Cola and OK.  Now when the world thinks, 'Santorum', it will also think, 'Pennsylvania'."