An ever-growing list of individuals and groups who should have blunt objects forcefully inserted into every orifice of their bodies until they stop acting like douchebags. If you aren't on this list...well done.
STUPID EVIL BASTARDS
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"The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me!" - Dean Wormer, Animal House
Around mid-June of this year, an employee of ING Corp., a company which creates nothing but paper and a space in your wallet where your money used to be, lost a laptop containing all the pertinent identity theft info of 13,000 Washington, D.C. city employees. A spokesdolt noted, get this, the info wasn't even password protected, much less encrypted. Jebus Cripes, people! Do you know how stupidly easy it is to password protect stuff? Dammit, at least act like you've seen a computer before, for Cripes' sake.
I told you that tidbit to get to the funny part. This is the SECOND time it's happened. They lost TWO laptops in December, 2005, equally unprotected from any midget that happened by and wanted to impersonate any of 8,500 Florida hospital workers. Isn't it hilarious that assholes like this can handle your super-secret info like Jerry Lewis handling Flubber? Then, when they pull the inevitable boner and lose not one, but TWO laptops, they don't even bother to say, 'Hey, maybe we should at least use passwords on our...Oh, shit, I'm late for my shiatsu midget massage! Miss Nayalfille, make sure to allow anyone who feels like it to go into my office and muss up my pencils while I'm out.'
I mean, they did NOTHING after the first time. Even if you are a totally evil money grubbing bastard, how can you possibly gain from such nincompoopery? Even if the executives at ING are every inch the filthy lucre hoarding demonspawn I know them to be, it would seem that they'd want me to believe they're not totally eat-your-own-poop stupid? What fucking crop are these guys the cream of?
So, would you like to bet on how many ING employees are walking around right this minute with laptops full of thoroughly security-free critical information? I bet it's not 'zero'. If you let these people manage a Monopoly money sawbuck for you, you are an idiot. Please send what money you have left to me, at least I won't bill you for the privilege of letting me spend your money on hookers and booze. I might even send you a t-shirt, so that would be a bonus right there. Oh, yeah, and I won't leave your clean or dirty laundry laying around with a steal me sign that could really fuck up the next several years of your life. Man, do I have to do everything around here?
Saint Rick at his office in Washington, hosting a convention of The Midget KKK('MiKKK').
I'd rather not think too much about douchebags like soon-to-be-ex-Senator Rick Santorum. He is an easy target, and embarrasses himself without any help from me. He sponsored a stupid bill called the National Weather Service Duties Act of 2005. It essentially made it illegal for the tax-payer funded National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) and the National Weather Service (NWS) to provide the free access by joes like you and me to the information they gather. We can't get weather from our own weather service because companies like AccuWeather (from Santorum's home state) couldn't charge you for the same info. Suck it, the free flow of information!
He has also referred to his opponent in the upcoming election as a 'thug', and tried desperately to interfere in the Terry Schiavo case, the business of which was none of his.
As I mentioned otherwheres on this site, he recently funneled money to a Green Party candidate in his state to split the Democratic vote. Underhanded, yet shady.
His most recent spazzout revolves around 'traitorous' persons. The persons revealed the recent Tap-The-USA plan of our pal the prez. Because of the 'traitorous' revelation that our president was flagrantly breaking the law, Rick now feels critical information was leaked. And Rick is right.
Thanks to these scum leakers, terrorists might now be aware that we are attempting to tap THEIR phones! Oh Shit! Those damn terrorists were probably making thirty minute calls from their hideout over AT&T's Friends and Terror Accomplices Plan. They surely had NO IDEA WHATSOEVER that their calls might be monitored.
Before these Leaky McLeakers came along, we were successfully recording suburban moms calling their drug dealers AND conversations like this:
Terrorist One: "So, how shall we bring death to America today?"
Terrorist Two: "I was thinking we could blow up things."
T1: "How about we meet at 1:30 p.m. at The Doughnut Hut on Main to discuss it?"
T2: "That would be great. If you're running late, call me on my cell phone, 123-456-7890. Or you can just call the Hut and ask for 'Dynamite'. They know me there."
T1: "OK, I'll try to bring as many conspirators as I can, but I'll be pretty vulnerable because we'll have no weapons."
T2: "Don't worry, the infidels would never think of listening on our conversations. It's totally safe to have our meeting to plot to blow up American things."
T1: "See you there. At 1:30 p.m."
T2: "Yes, 1:30. At The Doughnut Hut on Main."
T1: "Yes, on Main. See you there, unarmed."
T2: "Yes, see you there."
Now, a recently recorded conversation reveals the ugly truth:
T2: "Hello. This is not a terrorist."
T1: "Oh, hello. I also am not a terrorist, and do not want to blow up anything."
T2: "Let's not meet at the Brick of Beans Mexican restaurant on Third Street."
T1: "Agreed. I will not be there at 3 o'clock, and will not be talking about blowing stuff up when I'm not there."
T2: "I hope that no DEATH comes to AMERICA."
T1: "I also wish to express my lack of interest in the DEATH of AMERICA."
T2: "I won't see you at 3 o'clock."
T1: "Not at the Brick of Beans Mexican restaurant on Third, you won't."
If those committing and witnessing the criminal activity of our government won't keep quiet, we'll never catch those inscrutable terrorists. Dammit, if my government can't spy on me, lose the laptop with every crucial bit of info about me, beat stupid anyone they want, and kick in my door for Googling MySpace, then I'm JUST NOT SAFE! Save me, Rick Santorum! Save me from all that is good and right about humanity!
--If I may dust off an old chestnut, what a tool--
ON THE SUBJECT OF: Bill O'Reilly's Obvious and Annoying Closet Gayness
How many Blacks would have denied (or, indeed, deny) their blackness if it was not plainly evident? How many Jews in 1930's Germany would have admitted to being a Jew if there were not physical clues? I don't pretend to fully understand gays, but don't try to tell me there aren't bunches of them hiding in plain sight. Some people don't like the idea of assholes in SUVs running them down and beating them up for truly trivial shit. If every gay person in America simultaneously glowed bright blue, every other jaw in America would hit the floor. Hard, and jiggly.
--And Bill O'Reilly would be hiding under his desk--
The bottom line for me is, what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedroom, or kitchen, is up to them. Who the hell has the time to get irritable about this? Even if it is nothing more than a sexual preference, I don't care. Let asses be hammered across America if the owners of those asses want them to be hammered, boy or girl. Feather boas all around!
The only reason to give a shit about who fucks who and how is that you somehow feel this is a sin against God. Since no one has any fucking idea what God would consider a sin (or even God's sex, for that matter), can we please stop that stupid shit? It makes my country look like stupidness is regarded as a virtue. In my country, that is. Like we value being the horse's ass. Jebus.
Speaking of Jebus, I believe he had this to say about that:
"Quitteth thy worry upon whom doth and doth not get a bloweth job, and stop that mass starvation over there. Myself-dammit, thou art dolts!"
If only Americans got that wound up about people getting offed in huge numbers around the world so that various kings, presidents, dictators, whatever, can continue reaping the benefits of being the most armed motherfucker in the land. If that ever happened, the whole world would be dancing around maypoles, dropping acid, and telling the rest of the whole world how much they love them. Peace would be everywhere. America's good like that once a century or so. Unfortunately, American Idol would be everywhere too, but I guess I could suck it up.
No, I guess I'd prefer that we don't keep the Idol thing. But maybe instead of being so fucking pissed that people who don't blow your house up and don't want to kill you just want to be responsible and monogamous and maybe get a tax break, you could get all lathered up about some other sins against God. Like kids killing other kids or adults fucking kids or kids getting fucked up one way or another. I just saw a this-now-happens-regularly-story of a mother who killed her kids so they could be safe in Heaven. Jebus is pissed about this, be sure. You should be too. Whatever it is that drives a woman to kill her child, that thing should be found and cured or eradicated.
--I hope that thing is Bill O'Reilly. What a Tool--
Why have I never heard of WIC? The Women, Infants, Children program? And who was fired when they came up with that name? Because it better have been someone. Whatever...this program I never heard of, well, uh, it seems this program, uh, brought to you by the United Welfare States of America, uh, sort of helps feed half the fucking kids in this country! What in the Hell has been going on behind my back that half the kids in this country have to be fed by the same people who brought you 'ketchup-the vegetable'? So, um, what? HALF? Is poverty really that rampant, because if Uncle Sam is feeding your kids, you are fucking poor. Damn people, let's get pissed off about that.
--And also that The O'Reilly Factor is a show for Tools--
Dammit! I hate when shit like that sneaks up on me! HALF. That hurts. The other thing, also curiously involving a half, that tiptoed up to me and smashed a large pan across my forehead was this:
--HALF of Americans still believe there were Weapons of Mass Destructions's in Iraq--
If this is true (the part about half of America believing this patently stupid thing), it is absolute proof of Einstein's famous quote: "There are only two things that are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity. And I'm not too sure about the first one."
Jebus Cripes, half of America! You are fucking embarrassing me in front of Switzerland. And also the rest of humanity. If you believe that there were Weepons of Mass Destruction, what the fuck is wrong with you? How do you not forget to breathe and just keel over into your Fruity Puffs? Do you think your name is Hanes because that's what it says on your underwear? If you ever had a doubt as to your low I.Q., congratulations, half of America, you're a genius.
--A Genius of Stupidity--
--Just like Bill O'Reilly--
I assume you believe that we (by 'we' I mean some totally other people than me, and most likely, you) faked the moon landings and Elvis is still alive, although apparently being the only good King that ever walked this Earth was too boring and now he's following his dream of washing cars in Yuma.
You also probably believe your (by 'your' I unfortunately mean 'our') president gives a damn whether you ever do anything with your miserable life, other than vote for him. You, indeed, are killing me.
I can make it crystal clear for you as to the existence failure of WsMD:
--They were never there, dumbass.--
--Just like Bill O'Reilly's Straightness.--
If they were there, GW Bush would've found 'em, and paraded them down Wall Street by now. Seven or eight times, with a 'Mission Re-Accomplished' banner over them. Believe it. Shit, he'd blow one off over a sparsely populated area of Nevada just to prove it. Or, since you believe all this other wacky shit, you probably believe the USA has spy satellites and the like, yeah? So if the WMDs were smuggled into Syria, or New Jersey, don't you think there'd be pictures? Trot out Colin Powell's clone to point weakly at fuzzy shit in giant fuzzy pictures and say fuzzy things like, "These are blow-upy things here, going into Syria. You can plainly see the evil Sheik over here, alternately rubbing his hands together in anticipation, and twirling his enormous moustache. Clearly we will have to invade something."
This is the one thing that Bush would not keep secret about the war, unlike the 7,325 things he has kept from American eyes, 7,276 of which were obviously stupid, immoral, and illegal. The other 49 were purely stupid. In fact he has tried, through his Satanic minion Rick Santorum, a Congress-tool from PA, to say that some worthless and ancient shells found randomly scattered across Iraq constituted WMDses.
Yeesh. I thought I was argumentative. Do you think Roosevelt knew Pearl Harbor was coming, too? Or that Bush knew about 9/11 on 9/10? Even a tool like Bush wouldn't have the balls to knowingly allow planes to fly into the World Trade Center just so he could kick some Saddam ass. He just took advantage of it by somehow turning it to justify blowing the better parts of Iraq to smithereens, and then guarding the rubble. Also, for you South Park fans out there, you may recognize this strategy:
Phase One: Blow up Iraq
Phase Two: ?
Phase Three: Democracy!
But not the knowingly part. That would be stupid. Maybe that's why stupid people see some sort of logic to it. Damn, it's got a kind of brilliance to it.
--The Brilliance of Stupidity, that's the kind of brilliance it is.--
--Just like the O'Reilly Factor=He's Obviously a Closet Gay Man. That's what the Factor is.--
That's why I can't get pissed about flag burners. Knock yourselves out. Because whatever pisses off Bill O'Reilly is good for America. Some media asshole probably said that, so it must be true. But when I say it, it really must be true. It's true. Like, 'Very few people blow shit up while wearing a feather boa.' That's true, too. Believe it. And also, Bill O'Reilly is gay. Even if he's not. Or, he's not gay, but he likes wearing feather boas. Or something. Truer truth was never truthed.