What follows is a brilliant and correct view of the news of one day. If you don't totally agree with me, you are either severely over-medicated or you are an asshole named Tom Swift.
"Tom Swift sucks."
-Jesus Christ, Savior
October 31st, 2006
THE STUPID GERMANS SAVE IDIOT FROM SELF
A German court ruled that a self-proclaimed 'witch' would have to give an idiot back her $1200-ish, which she paid the witch, for which the witch provided the idiot with some form of love potion/ritual to win back her ex-boyfriend. The ex is obviously wise for not being with the idiot in question.
Why is this wrong, you say? The witch is obviously a fraud, which is not nice. Why not let the poor sot who was ripped off get her hard earned lettuce back? Why am I being so heartless ?
Because people get ripped off way worse by 'legitimate' businesses every day. Bright people. Bright people get bent over the conference table while lawyers, insurance companies, pill makers, politicians, and money grubbing bastards of all stripes come through and take their turn. The politicians, of course, go through the line twice.
And let's not talk about what happens to the poor. The poor have been getting jacked since Adam got it on with Eve. Hmm...maybe not quite that long, but, you know. If you are poor anywhere in this world, you are likely as not to be incarcerated, will probably die of something stupid, and are almost certainly doomed to stay poor.
--You are also in the vast majority--
But enough of that depressing shit. Let's get back to the idiot who paid a witch for a love spell which didn't work. The reason why the idiot shouldn't get her money back is because....Come on, it's funny! If she gets her money back, what's next? Will they make psychics stop charging people for their obviously bogus advice? How many kidnapped kids have been rescued by psychics? How many murders, robberies, hell, purse snatchings, have been solved? Fucking zero, that's how many. But psychics make some serious cheese off of the idiots of the world. As do diet inventors, priests, faith healers (Hell yes! Amen, suckers!), celebrity starlets, and the scumbags who own Wal-Mart.
Stop saving idiots from themselves, Germany. They don't want your help.
KODAK CONTINUES TO REFUSE TO STOP EXISTING
Kodak used to be an icon when I was a kid. Not so much anymore. It seems that when people are able to take and print their own pictures, (including the dirty little smut that the film developer at the drug store would not make a copy of. For you, that is. You can bet they made one for themself) they figured, 'Why not?'.
Too bad Kodak mainly deals in that sort of thing, so they'll be dropping into the insignificant mists of history soon. By the time you finish reading this sentence, I haven't cared for several hours at least, and will continue to not care.
Sure it's sad to see an icon disappear, but change is inevitable. If McDonald's or Coca-Cola ceased to exist, I wouldn't miss a beat. I'd probably be dead anyway, because a meteor would probably have to annihilate the Earth for that to happen.
Point is, things are gonna change. Get used to it. In fact, learn to enjoy it, or suffer a miserable life of constant disappointment.
Hey, at least you won't be bored.
Just curious: Am I the only one who ever put one of those flashbulbs right up to his eye and snapped off a picture, just to see what it was like? Man, that fucker was hot. And blinding. Even the second time.
KENTUCKY REMAINS IN TOP FIVE STUPIDEST STATES
A guy from Florida was acquitted in Kentucky of calling a Louisville McDonald's and coercing an employee to strip search another employee. Apparently, some uncool sexual activity was involved as well. Again, I side with the witch.
Who cares if the Florida guy made the call? What idiot follows orders like that over the phone? Like the cops would pass up an opportunity to strip somebody themselves. Come on.
If you have strip searched a fellow employee because the phone told you to, congratulations, you are a tool. Probably a tool from Kentucky, but whatever.
If you allowed a fellow employee to strip search you, you also are a tool. I feel a little sorrier for you, but still, come on. It's the one chance you have to sock an idiot in the face, tell the jury you did it, and walk away scot free.
I never have that kind of luck.
AP POLL REVEALS GOP EFFORT TO APPEAL TO BLACKS FALLS SHORT
You can't make this shit up. An AP poll says that the Republican effort to sway black voters has been ineffective. Which effort was that again? The one where NFL football was brought back to New Orleans before food and electricity, the one where the GOP continues to demand rigorous ID standards, or the one where they went to the black part of their district that one time? I forget.
Take heart, Republicans. Polls are worthless anyway.
DEEP IMPACT TO BE DIRECTED TOWARDS OTHER GIANT ROCK
If you haven't heard, scientists built this spacecraft called Deep Impact (real original name, stupid scientists) some time ago, and launched it at a comet called Tempel 1. On July Fourth of this year, the craft popped off a probe, which promptly hurled itself into the comet. Much knowledge was apparently gained. Now as a bonus, they're sending the remaining craft to check out some other space rock.
Good show, science! I don't even care why you did it. It just makes me feel great to know that humans can actually hit a meteor with something. That's an amazing, cool, wondrous thing, even if it never comes in handy. I will try to think about man's more noble accomplishments the next time I'm standing behind an asshole who clearly has more than the 12 item limit in the express lane.
Yes, this jackass is in the 12 items or less lane. Yes, he has two full bags on the left, and a jammed full basket and another still-occupied basket to go. When I took the picture, I had already counted 23 items rung up. Jebus is in Heaven, writing 'Condemned to Eternal Damnation' next to this guy's name.
Just out hangin' with a black guy, like I do all the time. No big thing.
I dare you to knock it off, Kansas. Double dare ya.
Some film I haven't had developed since I took the pictures on them, circa 1992. I don't have a clue what's on them, and since I'd have to walk at least 150 yards to get them done at the pharmacy, I'll never know.