The One and Only Damned Thing You Should
Never Forget About George W. Bush
Throw out the seventeen-and-a-half-million stupid, evil, cruel, ignorant, two-faced, greedy, power-mad, and generally bad for all living things things that George W. Bush has done. Forget that he created a record deficit where none existed. Forget the continual enriching of the rich, the unparalleled invasion of your privacy, the escalated effort to consume utterly everything on the planet, et cetera, et cetera. Forget all the corruption you do or don't believe in. Forget it all. Love him or hate him, there is one moment, or actually five minutes, that should establish his legacy forever in history. It is these Five Minutes that represent everything anyone need ever know about W.
The Momentous Five Minutes occurred on a bright fall morning, in 2001. The Prez was sitting, waiting quietly while children in a class he was visiting were moving things around and generally not paying him any mind. Then this happened:
This is where a fellow name of Andrew Card, Chief of Stuff, I think, steps up to the President of the United States of America, and whispers,"A second plane has hit the second tower. America is under attack."
And knowing that TWO planes have hit BOTH the WTC towers, the unflappable G.W. Bush steeled his nerve and did this:
And a minute and a half later, he showed America he was on the case by doing this:
And FOUR AND A HALF MINUTES later, he coolly showed his resolve by doing this:
Finally, after FIVE FULL MINUTES of this reassuring display of not giving in to the terrorists, he rose to leave. By 'leave', I mean mill around aimlessly to show solidarity with the American People in this time of action. Some asshole reporter tried to ruin the momentousosity of it all by asking if the Prez had heard some planes had hit some buildings. I hope the Secret Service gave that jerk five across the face for such a stupid question. Of course he knew! Did you not see the resolve, motherfucker? The man is clearly focused on how he can turn this event into a justification for invading Iraq.
These Five Minutes are an example to us all of just how long a true leader will needlessly placate a group of kids who probably couldn't give less of a damn about him in order to not politely beg their pardon and calmly walk out the door to begin a relentless campaign of bonecrushing justice that races across the planet and engages all the free people of the world into one focused force bent solely on the utter destruction of all organizations who view killing of any kind as necessary to their cause.
Five Minutes, that's how long. Cool as ice. And without the 'bonecrushing justice' part.
If Will What's-his-face did this as an act, people wouldn't laugh because the joke went on for way too long.
Hell, it took the idiots with the 'W' sticker on their bumper in my neighborhood at least an hour or two (after news of the attacks broke on T.V.) to do this-
to the nearest A-rabs they knew of. Never mind that the A-rabs in question were second generation American citizens. Or that their ancestry is in Jordan. Or that they were clearly in Columbus, Ohio, running a store, at the time of the attack.
Another proud moment for the US of A.
Ferrell. The guy's name is Will Ferrell.
And that, gentle reader, is The One and Only Damned Thing You Should Never Forget About George W. Bush.
