AND ANOTHER THING...

When I was a kid, there was no A.D.D., they just told my folks, "That boy's over-stimulated.  He's as hyper as a dog at a fire hydrant factory."
  In honor of hyperactivity, here's stuff that really doesn't deserve more than a passing mention...
"The majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world.  And we will find these people  and we will bring them to justice."
  -Washington, D.C.: 28OCT03
  So the other day, the White House released a statement mentioning that The Prez, being the thoughtful scholar that he is, was reading Albert Camus' The Stranger.  Well done, G -Dubya, you can read at a seventh grade level.  That's where everyone else read that stupid book.  At this rate, he may be able to tackle Charlotte's Web, or Catcher in the Rye.  And when did he find time to read this massive tome?  The Stranger must be at least 75 pages long.  For a guy who can't say 'Nuclear' correctly, it must have been a daunting task.  I hear he's starting on long division next week.  Too bad he obviously never took American History.


  Meanwhile, Secretary of Dumbness Donald Rumsfeld compared Americans who question the logic of the war in Iraq (which is, by the by, the MAJORITY of Americans) to Nazi appeasers.  Then, America's highest ranking Uncle Tom, Condi Rice, suggested that those same Americans were like Northerners who wanted to let the South secede rather than fight the Civil War.  Because we all know that every war the U.S. has undertaken turned out to be a great idea (cough, cough, Vietnam, cough, cough).



Does anyone else think it's ridiculous that I can't take nail clippers on a damn airplane?  Let people take machetes for all I care, because no airplane will EVER be hijacked with box cutters again.  It worked once, and that's the last time it will ever work.  The next time some asshole jumps up with his stupid box cutter, he will have to kill every fucking passenger in order to do his thing, because every fucking passenger will know that it's either die trying to stop him, or die when he gets his way.  Machete wielding passengers...now that's a deterrent!  Or maybe spear guns.



  Officials in India recently demanded that Coke and Pepsi reveal their ingredients when pesticides in large doses were found in their products in India.  Of course they declined, but I recently received unstartling info from an anonymous insider.  This high ranking soda mogul revealed to me the secret recipes from both Coca-Cola and Pepsi.  Behold:

--- THE ACTUAL RECIPES OF COKE AND PEPSI ---

COKE                               PEPSI
1. Carbonated water
2. Brown
3. Sugar
4. Empty Space
1. Carbonated water
2. Slightly Different Brown
3. Sugar
4. Empty Space
  So there you have it.  Several beverage industry midgets were sentenced to life in secret C.I.A. prisons that Dumbass-In-Chief George finally admitted the existence of.  But if Americans are a little more educated, I'm sure they feel the sacrifice was worth it.

"I'd like to give the world a Coke, and teach it
diabetes."
"It's unacceptable to think there's any kind of comparison between the behavior of the United States of America and the action of Islamic extremists who kill innocent women and children to achieve an objective," -George W. Bush September 15th, 2006


From: Texas State Middle School Board
To: George W. Bush, President of the United States

Dear Sir,
  It has come to our attention that you have an outstanding 'Incomplete' grade for your seventh grade American History class.  You are therefore not technically a middle school graduate at the present time.  You probably missed the lessons regarding World War II, when America firebombed the city of Dresden, Germany, which killed thousands of innocent women and children.  Also, the United States dropped a pair of nuclear bombs on two average Japanese cities populated by, you guessed it, innocent women and children. Why?  To achieve an objective.  Also, see the American Indian, if that even needs to be said.
  By the way, it's pronounced 'New-clee-er'.  While we appreciate that some spin doctor told you saying it that way makes you seem more 'Regular Joe', we are here to tell you that to be a sitting president who can't properly pronounce the name of the weapon he could blow a lot of shit up with, it just seems stupid and phony.
  We of the T.S.M.S.B. do not presume to pass judgment on the correctness or incorrectness of the motives of the United States in the 1940's, or any other time, like before they existed as a country.  We are merely pointing out your supreme and selective ignorance of motherfucking history, you butthole.  Please return your middle and high school diplomas to the nearest education authority.  Your studentship in the great state of Texas is hereby, and forever after, revoked.  Your name is hereby stricken from the extremely big list of Texas Public Schoolchildren, and Yale wants to have a stern word with you.  No more yellow roses for you, sir. 
  Our profound apologies to the Dixie Chicks, who we hope will keep the faith in spite of the huge population of total assholes in the world.  Please come home.

Regards,
  The Texas State Middle School Board
cc:
And also the Citizens of Texas
  And also the Citizens of the United States
  And also the people of the world
  And God