DAMNED GENTLEMEN INDEX

"SoCo and Lime"? "KFC"? There's not many things as sad as seeing a long established brand emasculate it's own cherished and recognized name in pursuit of hipness. The first time I ever got piss drunk it was on Southern Comfort ! 'SoCo' sounds like the name of a NASCAR racetrack. By the by, if you have a NASCAR sticker on your car, please leave my website immediately, and never darken these pages again. And stop making babies. And give the ones you have up for adoption.

People are spazzing out that Tiger Woods called himself a spaz. Hey, you stupid fucking spazzes, stop spazzing out. Everyone knows you can say whatever you want about yourself if you're arguably the best ever at anything while you're still doing it. Seriously, shut up about it.

Does the Scooter Store® really think that 60-year-old ladies who can't get around on their own anymore watch The Simpsons ? Jeebus, people! Do I really have to tell you to advertise on Matlock and 60 Minutes? Does that show still exist? Or even that network?

Please stop naming your children Kerrii And Whendie. You can't hear a different spelling, you friggin' jerks! It's not unique, it's pretentious and low-brow, all at once. It makes me think of those scantily clad chicks in late night phone sex commercials. Your child will forever think you are a tool for saddling them with a cumbersome name that will be spelled wrong on every damn trophy or award they ever get. Good show, tool.

Does no one in the White House have the balls to say, "Uh, Mr. President, being that you speak to the free nations of the world frequently, and you represent America in that capacity, it's pronounced 'NU-CLEA-R' !"?

-Criminy!-

Speaking of which, am I the only one who notices that we continually elect the dumber of the two candidates? Every fucking time, to be exact. Put aside your romantic memory of Clinton, please. The man left his cum on the dress of a desperately weird chick who saved it, unwashed, for a damn long time. And he didn't inhale? And he married one of the top ten all-time craziest bitches ever?! BAM, question mark exclamation point, bitch.

Every fucking time.

American kids are coming back from Iraq every day in coffins, gasoline is about to go over 3 bucks a gallon, and the bird flu, monkey-pox, or WNBA Fever will be wiping out mankind any minute now. So naturally we should all freak out because Keith Hernandez said girls shouldn't be in the dugout. This after seeing a "sports masseuse" of the female variety in the San Diego Padres dugout during the game. Please, Keith, of course women should be allowed in the dugout...who else is gonna pick up the peanut shells and refill the Gatorade cups? Oh, yeah, and give massages...Mmmm, ruubdowwn.

Did the girl get kicked out of the dugout? No. She got interviewed by every wag on T.V., all of whom asked the same stupid questions, like:

"What would you say to Keith if he were here right now?" Brilliant journalism there.

A gambling man wouldn't put ten bucks down on her going a year without appearing in Playboy. So spare me the outrage.

Piling on Hernandez is so easy, even a girl could do it. Jebus, super-sensitivity should be a hanging offense. So, ladies, quit sniveling about a washed up ballplayer's off-the-cuff remarks, and get back to drinking red wine in the afternoon and spending your husband's money on fourteen matching pairs of shoes.

Meanwhile, let's talk about the real issue here. Why hasn't there been a hue and cry about the butt-ugly camouflage uniforms the Padres were sporting? Are you kidding? Save that shit for NASCAR. Man, I hate Bud Selig.

Ugliest uniforms ever.

Why is the NFL standard for Best Defense is based on yards given up? Last time I checked, a team that scores one field goal and gives up 572 yards on defense beats a team that scores zero points and gives up 3 yards on defense. Stupid football.

If you haven't heard, the Supreme Court voted 5-3 (with recent Bush appointee John Roberts abstaining*) to say 'Suck it George Bush, you can't have secret trials, and the United States will continue to adhere to the Geneva Conventions that we designed and signed.'

Five to three. Ouch. That's the Supreme Court version of, 'Do we really have to tell you how stupid this idea is?'

This is the same Court that the GOP supposedly labored all these years for, the same Court that had the hippies alternately pissing on themselves and setting themselves on fire.

Apparently Apocalypse will be averted for a few more years. That was close.

I'm not gonna say I told you so, cause I didn't, but it still makes me laugh my ass off.

*When a Supreme Court Justice abstains, it's because his or her vote would piss off the jack-asses who nominated them (or who currently run shit), but they know the vote will go their way anyway. Seriously, did you think it meant,'oh, well, I just don't have an opinion about this issue one way or another'. Really, you thought that? Aah-ha-ha-ha!

Stupid Skeptics, They Crack Me Up

Dear Ann Coulter,

Let me get this straight...Ice packs the size of Texas shear off and float away, people by the thousands die of shit that didn't exist before the industrial age... just look at the fucking sky over L.A., for Cripes' sake. Does it really matter whether global warming is the apocalypse that stiff Gore says it is? Can we not agree that we pollute the shit out of this planet, even if all we really want is to make the world a little better place by producing things with the help of huge toxic operations? Are you seriously suggesting that one needs a degree of some sort to figure out what the impact of polluting the shit out of everything will be? I can say without a pip of science edumacation that whatever the impact will be, it will be bad. Maybe heinous, maybe only crappy. I can understand you saying 'let's not get all freaked out and burn power plants to the ground', but I don't get the logic of, 'Let's just keep kicking the Earth's ass until we can prove irrefutably that we really are kicking the Earth's ass. Then, we'll do some more studies on whether the first studies were accurate in all aspects, all the while escalating our kicking of the ass of the Earth. When we finally kick the Earth's ass completely, and pollute the pile of rubble that's left, we'll acknowledge that "mistakes were made. There will be investigations. There will...", and then we'll turn to the politicians who bought us the time to squeeze the last resource from the husk, and say, "Surely you have a plan to pass this mess on to our descendants?".' In your face, punctuation!

Just like I don't need to get hit by a car to know it's a bad idea, I don't need no not some degree to know that belching wacky chemicals by the ton into the air is probably not going to be harmless. How fucking stupid do you think people are? So stupid they'd willingly ignore what even a moderately bright midget could see from the bottom of a medieval midget trap? There's no way people will...what? HOW many books did you sell? Jebus, we'll have to legalize crack to thin this herd. Sports is still stupid.

Congress is thinking about reinstating a stupid tax break for, guess who, big corporations. This tax break is for companies that do research and development. Just like the oil companies, who rake in record profits and cry that they won't be able to put money towards exploration and innovation if we insist on not letting them rob us blind. This is like Ford or Chevy putting out the same piece of shit year after year and expecting Americans to continue buying them. Wait, bad example.

Dammit, I'm only gonna say this one more time. Any company too stupid to do R & D from THEIR OWN MONEY (Profits) will go out of business, and rightly so. There is no need to give them incentives and tax breaks to do what is in their fucking best interests! When I get a tax break for showing up to work or buying myself food, then we'll talk.