Nancy Grace
  If there is a more self-righteous bitch on T.V., I haven't haven't seen her.  A typical day for Nancy might go a little like this:
Nancy's Daytimer-
8 a.m.-Wake up.  Enjoy a moment of smug self-satisfaction.  use shock-collar controller to notify assistant that it's time to ram a 2x4 up my ass to achieve appropriate irrationality.  Smack assistant to remind her that I'm the Bitch around here.
8:30 a.m.-Breakfast: Cup of human blood, plateful of balls from men I've emasculated, danish made from my own excrement.  Break jaw of illegal immigrant servant for letting my shit get cold.  Hire new immigrant to avoid medical bills.  Smack new immigrant to get her used to it.
9 a.m.-Kick assistant for not triple starching my $3000 'power suit'.  Wear anyway.  Ride private elevator down from penthouse to private garage.  Smack chauffeur across face as I get into my limo.  Put up privacy glass so I can smell my own farts.
9:30 a.m.-Arrive at studio.  Smack driver as I get out.  Use cattle prod to the crotch of any 'fans' who come near me on my way in.
9:45 a.m.-Go to make-up department, have make-up artist apply usual 17 pounds of make-up.  attach Darth Vader-like hair to head.  Slap make-up artist on way out.
12:00 noon-Develop pious, biased opinion based on a headline I read while on the toilet.  Do absolutely no research or fact finding, which is for losers.  Practice browbeating in mirror.  Nice.
1:00 p.m.  Show starts.  Spew ignorant opinion on subject I know nothing about.  Placate stupid viewers that I don't give a shit about by calling them "Friend".
1:05 p.m.-Browbeat worthless correspondent who somehow contradicts my airtight opinion with "facts".
1:10 p.m.-Shout down guest who foolishly thinks I'm going to let him present his side of the story.  During commercial break, suck dick of guest who bolsters my view.  Wipe spunk off face with the Bill of Rights.
1:30 p.m.-Make fifteenth reference to my 'expertise' in law, then ask unfathomably stupid legal question an eighth grader could answer.  Also, relate to commoners by mentioning that I was abused.  Remember to keep straight face as I lobby for the 'little people' while wearing $1,600 shoes.
4:00 p.m.-Show ends.  Give the boy who brings me my latte five across the face, hard.  Mace producer in the face for allowing dissenting opinion on air.  Spend next hour in dressing room masturbating to my image in mirror.  Remove make-up with turpentine.
5:00 p.m.-Stand in shower while hired midgets bathe me.  Taser midget for getting too close to my box.
6:00 p.m.-Change batteries in assistant's shock collar.  Test four or five times.  Head home for the evening.
You get the idea.  I suppose I have to accept that the vast majority of Americans can't have an opinion unless it's spoon-fed to them by sanctimonious assholes.  Do you remember when T.V. news had integrity?  Me neither.
  If you watch Nancy Grace, congratulations, you are a tool.
An ever-growing list of individuals and groups who should have blunt objects forcefully inserted into every orifice of their bodies until they stop acting like douchebags.  If you aren't on this list...well done.
STUPID EVIL BASTARDS
I'll kill you all, friend.

The Westboro Baptist Church
Topeka, Kansas
What a surprise these strap-on-wearing child molesters are based in Kansas, the state most noted for intentionally raising their children to be the stupidest mouth breathers in the whole of the world.  Founded by 'Pastor' Fred Phelps in 1955, this ridiculous church will make you think seriously about breaking the 'Thou shalt not smash ignorant fucks in the face with a bat' commandment (look it up, it's in there).  At first I thought their website, http://www.godhatesamerica.com/ , was a joke.  Sadly, no, these insipid inbreeders are for real.  They spend all day eating each others' turds and fucking sheep, and, oh yeah, hating you.  Apparently, they only hate us all for our own good, because God has decided only these worthless tools can preach His truth.  I can not with any degree of accuracy get across what a bunch of fucking penis lint eating assholes these people are, you have to see it for yourself.  Beware, you will want to take a very long shower, and scrub yourself with steel wool, after just a minute or two on their stupid fucking website.  I nearly carved my eyes out of my head with a rusty spike.  If I ever get a terminal disease with only two weeks to live, I now know exactly who I'm going to suicide bomb.
Congratulations, Westboro Baptist Church!  You are the winner, hands down, of the coveted Tool of the Day Award for May 25th, 2006.   Not sponsored by the Home Depot, but it should be.  You fucking tools earned it.
I'm Fred Phelps you fags. God HATES you...
for not being a sanctimonious fuck like me.
If you are on this list and would like to be removed, please click on the photo below.
Keep clicking, keeeep cliiicking....
"The time has come for someone to put his foot down.  And that foot is me!" - Dean Wormer, Animal House
Condolezza Rice
If I was a black person in the U.S. today, I'd be pretty pissed that Condoleeza Rice is the most powerful black in America.  At least Colin Powell gave a big 'Fuck you' to the Bush administration when they trotted him out to reaffirm their bullshit agenda.  Well, after he'd looked like a complete ass two or three times doing just that, but whatever. 
  It must be gratifying to old white tools everywhere to see a strong black woman work hard, overcome monstrous obstacles, reach the very highest levels of American leadership, and promptly sell out her race by becoming the highest ranking Steppen Fetchit in the world.  I keep looking for the puppet strings when she's on camera, and I keep waiting for something to come out of her mouth that wasn't programmed into her head by evil C.I.A. computer-hacking midgets. 
  You know, I occasionally think Jesse Jackson is a tool, but at least it seems like what's coming out of his mouth is what he thinks.  No one's perfect, Jesse, but at least you give it the old college try. Don't ever change.
  If you watch Condi speak you slowly get the feeling that there's a probe embedded in the back of her head, piping in her response to whatever question was just posed.  When you put aside her race and sex, and just listen to the words she is saying, she sounds like (Dick Cheney, Rove, et. al.) every white male status quo jackass who can't fall out of bed in the morning without stomping Full on Kevin's Mom on the Bill of Rights.
"Of course Iraq is vulnerable...to civil war." -Condi on UK radio, 2006

Vulnerable, you say?  Let's see what the old dictionary says...
 
Civil war
noun:
A war between factions or regions of the same country.
-Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

Soooo...Shiites blowing up Sunnis and vice-versa on a large scale and on a daily basis is...what?
Ohhh, that's right.  It's a Civil war.
  I don't know which is worse, thinking she's too stupid to get it, or thinking she thinks I'm too stupid to get it.

Seriously, Condi, way to take a dump on the ghost of MLK.

The WNBA is “a vicious act of terror, which the United States strongly condemns.”
"I got crucified for THIS?"
"I got arrested and shot for THIS?"
'I broke antitrust laws for THIS?"
"Condoleeza Rice Sucks."
- Sally Hemings
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STUPID EVIL BASTARDS
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