Nancy Grace
If there is a more self-righteous bitch on T.V., I haven't haven't seen her. A typical day for Nancy might go a little like this:
Nancy's Daytimer-
8 a.m.-Wake up. Enjoy a moment of smug self-satisfaction. use shock-collar controller to notify assistant that it's time to ram a 2x4 up my ass to achieve appropriate irrationality. Smack assistant to remind her that I'm the Bitch around here.
8:30 a.m.-Breakfast: Cup of human blood, plateful of balls from men I've emasculated, danish made from my own excrement. Break jaw of illegal immigrant servant for letting my shit get cold. Hire new immigrant to avoid medical bills. Smack new immigrant to get her used to it.
9 a.m.-Kick assistant for not triple starching my $3000 'power suit'. Wear anyway. Ride private elevator down from penthouse to private garage. Smack chauffeur across face as I get into my limo. Put up privacy glass so I can smell my own farts.
9:30 a.m.-Arrive at studio. Smack driver as I get out. Use cattle prod to the crotch of any 'fans' who come near me on my way in.
9:45 a.m.-Go to make-up department, have make-up artist apply usual 17 pounds of make-up. attach Darth Vader-like hair to head. Slap make-up artist on way out.
12:00 noon-Develop pious, biased opinion based on a headline I read while on the toilet. Do absolutely no research or fact finding, which is for losers. Practice browbeating in mirror. Nice.
1:00 p.m. Show starts. Spew ignorant opinion on subject I know nothing about. Placate stupid viewers that I don't give a shit about by calling them "Friend".
1:05 p.m.-Browbeat worthless correspondent who somehow contradicts my airtight opinion with "facts".
1:10 p.m.-Shout down guest who foolishly thinks I'm going to let him present his side of the story. During commercial break, suck dick of guest who bolsters my view. Wipe spunk off face with the Bill of Rights.
1:30 p.m.-Make fifteenth reference to my 'expertise' in law, then ask unfathomably stupid legal question an eighth grader could answer. Also, relate to commoners by mentioning that I was abused. Remember to keep straight face as I lobby for the 'little people' while wearing $1,600 shoes.
4:00 p.m.-Show ends. Give the boy who brings me my latte five across the face, hard. Mace producer in the face for allowing dissenting opinion on air. Spend next hour in dressing room masturbating to my image in mirror. Remove make-up with turpentine.
5:00 p.m.-Stand in shower while hired midgets bathe me. Taser midget for getting too close to my box.
6:00 p.m.-Change batteries in assistant's shock collar. Test four or five times. Head home for the evening.
You get the idea. I suppose I have to accept that the vast majority of Americans can't have an opinion unless it's spoon-fed to them by sanctimonious assholes. Do you remember when T.V. news had integrity? Me neither.
If you watch Nancy Grace, congratulations, you are a tool.