Free " I went too the loo/I'm outside smoking" Place Card
  If you're a smoker, or a girl who might like to use the restroom once in a while, or a smoker, you know how it feels to be at the bar, in a prime spot you worked hard to score, and when you do the polite thing and go out for a smoke, or you do the polite thing and don't pee on the bar, and you come back and find a body attached to an ass that is clearly in your seat, while the shit like your keys, ballcap, purse, whatever, that you left to establish your territory has been shoved off to the side?  Are you tired of bruised knuckles (or broken nails) from punching (or slapping) these idiots in (across) the face?  Well fear not, gentle barfly, Damned Gentlemen is here to help.  Simply capture and save any one, or all if you're weird like that, of the place cards below and print it out.  cut it out, fold it in half, and stick it in your wallet our purse.  Then whip it out and set it up, tent style, on the bar at your spot.  If you come back and find things disturbed, no jury in the country would convict you if you used the place card to gouge out the offenders stupid eyes.  I usually cram it up their nose.  Relatively harmless in the long-term, but effective in the moment.  If the offender is bigger than you or you aren't the fighting type, get someone who is to do it for you.
With a little attitude:
Not quite as much attitude:
Damned Gentlemen: Just another caring citizen looking to bring improve-ation to the nation.  We would like to ask the Honorable Judges of the State, who know who they are, to please reconsider ruling this as community service.  Thank you for your Honorable attention and time.
"Having some asshole steal my baseball hat AND my shades sucks."
-Some guy at the bar
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